Best Miscellaneous jokes
In heaven, a priest arrives, where he's met by a couple of angels who offer a polite welcome.
Shortly after, a drunken bus driver arrives. His entrance is met with a grand celebration, complete with fireworks, and even God himself comes forward to greet him.
Perplexed, the priest approaches God and says:
- Forgive me, Lord, but I devoted my entire life to serving your church and your name. Why is my welcome so modest compared to this man?
God smiles and replies:
- My child, during your time, the church pews were seldom filled. However, when this man navigated the streets, people prayed fervently as never before.
Two new cellmates.
- Why did you get here?
- Because of smoking...
- How because of smoking?!
- While I was stealing, I got a cough, the guard heard me and they caught me!
A guy said to God:
- God, is it true that for you a billion years is like a second?
God answers yes.
- God, is it true that for you a billion dollars is like a penny?
God says yes.
- God, can I have a dime?
- Sure, just a second.
- Hello, I would like a job.
- We have something very well paid, but there is a lot of work.
- No, thanks. If I have money, I spend it on booze.
- Then, we have a place where you don't have much work, but it's poorly paid.
- No, because if I have time, I get money and spend it on drinks. Don't you have something where I can work all day and be poorly paid?
- I'm sorry, but you don't have higher education...
While admiring some dinosaur bones in the Natural History Museum, a tourist asks the guard:
- How old are they?
The guard replies:
They have 73 million, four years and six months.
- It's a pretty accurate number, says the tourist. "How do you know their ages so precisely?"
- Well, replies the guard, the dinosaur bones were seventy-three million years old when I started working here, and that was four and a half years ago.
God says to Adam, "Adam, I want you to do something for me."
Adam answers him: "With great love, Lord, what do you want me to do?"
God says to him: "Go down into the Valley."
Adam responds with a question, "What is that valley?"
God explains to him and continues: "Cross the River..."
Adam asks, "What is a river?"
God explains to him, then says, "Go up the Hill..."
Adam says, "What is that hill?"
Patiently, God explains to Adam what a hill is, then tells him, "On the other side of the Hill you will find the Cave."
Promptly, Adam asks, "What is that cave?"
After explaining this to him, God tells him: "In the Cave you will find the Woman."
And Adam asks "What is that woman?"
God explains this to him as well, then says, "I want you to reproduce."
Adam asks, "And how do we do that?"
Exasperated, God explains this to him, as always.
So Adam descends into the Valley, crosses the River, climbs the Hill, and enters the Cave, where he finds the Woman.
He's back in less than five minutes.
God, with patience at the limit, asks him: "What is it now?"
To which Adam answers again with a question: "What is that Migraine?"
The other day I stopped to observe two men working in the public works department. One was digging a hole and the other was following behind him and filling the hole. After a while, I had to ask:
- Why dig a hole, only for your partner to come and fill it up again?
The hole digger wiped his forehead and sighed.
- Well, I suppose it probably seems strange, because we're normally a team of three. But today the boy who plants the trees took the day off because he is sick.
- Congratulations, madam! You are 15 weeks pregnant.
- Surely 15 and not 10?
- Without any doubts.
- Oh my God !
- What happened ?!
- I married the wrong person.
- Hello, I want to work as a van driver, I mention that I don't have a driver's license.
- I'll hire you, mention that I don't have a van, we'll find a solution.
At a magic show, the hall was full, and at one point the crowd said:
- Listen, sir, can't you make the mother-in-law disappear for good?
To which the magician:
- Sir, this is a magic show, not a miracle show!