Man to his wife:
- And you're late again, woman!
- A beautiful woman should be waited!
- I know, but why are you late?

My wife studied a little psychology. She always uses all her amateur psychology when we argue.
When I fired the boy who cleans the pools, she says, "Well, you know, you fire him just because he's so young and good-looking and you feel threatened and insecure because he reminds you of your own mortality and you project all these insecurities onto someone else in a very passive/aggressive way because these feelings are just too traumatic to deal with.”
I said, "Honey... we don't have a pool."

Mother says to her blonde daughter:
- My dear, go to the store.
Blonde: But what do I have to buy?
- You have to buy milk, cereal and chicken breast.
Blonda: Milk, cereal and chicken breast.
- Write it down somewhere so you don't forget!
Blonda: Let me remember, so milk, cereal and chicken breast.
On the road...
Blonda: Milk, cereal and chicken breast.
In the store...
Blonda: Milk, cereal and chicken breast. I will not forget.
The cashier asks her:
- Hello! What do you want to buy?
Blonde:
- Candy.

What does December have that the other months don't?
- The letter D.

A guy walks into a sex shop and studies an inflatable doll for minutes, then asks the seller:
- When is it produced?
- January, 2016.
- Ah, no...Capricorn!

The snail is robbed by the turtle.
The police come and ask the snail "Can you tell us what happened?"
The snail says "I don't know man, it all happened so fast".

Teacher:
- Answer this math problem: If your father earns $500 a week and gives half to your mother. What will he have?
The student:
- A heart attack.

John goes to the doctor and says:
- Hello!
- Hello, what does it hurt Mr. John?
John says:
- My back hurts when I wake up in the morning.
- Then wake up in the afternoon!

- Hello, I would like a job.
- We have something very well paid, but there is a lot of work.
- No, thanks. If I have money, I spend it on booze.
- Then, we have a place where you don't have much work, but it's poorly paid.
- No, because if I have time, I get money and spend it on drinks. Don't you have something where I can work all day and be poorly paid?
- I'm sorry, but you don't have higher education...

The husband returns home late and tries to get into bed without waking his wife. The wife asks him:
- You came, come on? What time is it?
- 10.
- How "ten", if I heard the pendulum strike one?
- Well, what? Do you want it to beat zero too?!